Tag: Faith

We are More Than Enough

Being in pain every day for the last thirteen years, is enough to make to make me want to give up. Knowing that I will likely be in pain every day for the rest of my life, is enough to make me want to give up. Having a body with an unusual way of dealing with stresses, anxiety and depression, is enough to make me want to give up. Yet, I don’t give up. I won’t give up. I wake up every day in a battle with my own body, and I go to bed the same way. I try my best to put a smile on my face, push through the pain, and do as much as my body will allow me, in order to take care of our home and family. Often times, this results in me paying for it over the next couple of days.

I don’t share all of this because I want sympathy. No; what I want, is understanding. It baffles my mind that people are so quick to judge me and people like myself. We get labeled as lazy or unwilling to work. We get labeled as antisocial or flaky. It’s true what they say; sometimes you have no idea what someone is going through until you have walked in their shoes. Here’s the thing though, I wouldn’t wish these shoes upon anyone. It is a battle every day, and every day I get through it with God and the support of my family.

What I would like, is to be believed. To be understood. Sadly, there are some people who will never understand. Not because they can’t, but because they don’t want to. It does not matter that they have witnessed the struggles with their own eyes. It does not matter that they have read the medical papers that you have provided them. No; it’s much easier for them to slap a label on you and call it a day. These are the people that can make you feel “less than”, but let me tell you something…you’re not “less than” and neither am I. We ARE enough. We are more than enough.

Be well my friends, remember your worth and God bless you.

With love,

J💜

Uh Oh!

Oh yes, I’ve done it! I’ve broken the rules. I’ve become a rebel. I’ve put up the Christmas tree before Thanksgiving (gasp!), and you know something…I don’t feel bad about it. Not. One. Bit. This has been a really rough year, and I am ready to be in the Christmas spirit. While I pieced together the artificial pine and wrapped it in lights, I added my off-key vocals to the sweet sound of the Christmas classics. We may wait until after Thanksgiving to add the ornaments, and that would be okay. Just putting up the tree and staring at it’s glow in a dark room was just the mood lift I needed, and oh boy did I need it.

When I saw the neurologist last week, he and I decided that it would be a good idea to increase my antidepressant (one of them). I know that it takes a while for these things to build up in your system. If ever there was a time when I needed it to happen quickly, it’s now. I have felt myself slipping back into my darker depression days and if I’m honest, it was worrying me. Old, unhealthy coping mechanisms were just one impulse move away. I fought hard to push those thoughts and urges away, and more than once cried out to God ‘I need your help’. He heard my cries and saved me from myself like he’s done so many times before. I know that my depression is a daily battle, but I also know that I don’t have to fight it alone. I wish this was something I realized many years ago when self harm was the weapon of choice in my battle.

While I enjoy the beauty of the tree lighting up the room tonight, I will focus on the real Light in my darkness and be thankful for His love. You all are in my thoughts and prayers. If you’re in a battle right now, keep fighting; you’re not alone.

With love,

J♡

Let the Storm Come

Let the winds come

Stir up this pain

Let it dance among the leaves

Be carried away

Let the clouds roll in

Cover the hurt

Let it be shadowed

Blend with the earth

Let the thunder sound

Blend with the cries

Let it play in your orchestra

To the beat that’s inside

Let the rain pour

Collide with tears

Let them fall to the ground

Along with the fears

Let the lightning flash

Illuminate all that is good

Let it outshine the despair

Just like it should

Let the storm come

Repair this soul

Let it be renewed

Make it feel whole

Thank you for reading. Wishing you all well.

With love,

J♡

Heaven Gained a Wonderful Woman

Hello, friends. I’m afraid I have some bad news. Yesterday afternoon, Heaven gained a wonderful woman. God calls her Child. Those she left behind call her Mom, Friend, Nana, Granny. I call her Grandma. She is a beautiful, smart, witty, crafty, talented woman who will be missed tremendously. She loved with all her heart and gave hugs that could ease your pain. She had the motherly/grandmother intuition that let her know when something was wrong. Sometimes she would text me, ” Nik, you can’t hide things from Grandma. You can tell me anything”, and I could because I knew that she would keep my secrets safe. She and I had a grandma/granddaughter sleep over some years ago that didn’t quite go as planned. We kept saying that she owed me another one. I told her last night, “you owe me a girls night when I get there”. I know that hopefully that won’t be for a long time from now, but I wanted her to know I hadn’t forgotten about it. The pain of losing her keeps coming in waves. Her going Home yesterday was completely unexpected and the whole family is hurting and a bit in shock. I would like to ask you all to please pray for peace and comfort, especially for her children, most of whom are living across country. I know that this must be especially hard on them being so far away. My uncle who was living with her is going to have a lot to handle and could use prayers for peace, comfort and strength.

I Guess God Needed You More

I just spoke to you on Friday

It was so good to hear your voice

We’d talk again I was sure

But I guess God needed you more

You were going to stop by tomorrow

You had a box of food for us

You said you’d leave it outside the door

But I guess God needed you more

Christmas will be here soon

I had your gift all planned out

I was going to paint the picture you asked me for

But I guess God needed you more

I’ve been terrible about calling

We didn’t visit nearly enough

You still had plenty of time in this world

But I guess God needed you more

Friends, hug those around you, pick up the phone, make the trip. We are not promised tomorrow; let them know now how much you love them.

With love,

J♡

When Rest Isn’t Restful

I am so tired. My body and brain need some rest. I cannot remember the last time that I had a restful nap or night of sleep. Even in slumber, my mind and body don’t seem to know how to behave.

I have been taking something called Restful Legs before bed to help with, you guessed it…restless legs. It does help, but the feeling doesn’t completely let up and so I usually spend the first 30 minutes kicking and twitching my feet and legs about. On nights that are particularly bad, I more or less have an adult size tantrum, wishing that I could throw my legs across the room. It’s an icky feeling when you want to crawl out of your own skin. Other times, I can feel my muscles begin to tighten and I pray that it doesn’t turn into a full blown dystonic episode. Some nights, fibro makes it difficult to get comfortable. Lie on one side, pain. Try the other side, pain. Adjust the leg pillow, no good. Try lying on my back, too much pressure. If my skin is feeling very sensitive, even the sheet hurts.

Now, I can usually get my mind to calm down long enough to fall asleep, but the dreams…my goodness, where does my mind come up with these things? Most nights I recall dreaming, but I don’t always remember what they were about. More often than not, I seem to have very bizarre, vivid dreams or nightmares. Just the other day for example, I took a nap. My odd and all-over-the-place dream turned into a nightmare. I was holding my right hand and my finger was losing so much blood that I was sure I was going to bleed to death. The nightmare felt so real that I was actually feeling pain in that finger when my husband woke me up.

I’ll be honest; I kind of wish a doctor could administer some general anesthesia that would last eight hours. Perhaps then, I could wake up and finally feel rested. I suppose that for now, I’ll keep running on caffeine and a whole lot of Jesus. Thanks for allowing me to vent. Be well, my friends.

With love,

J♡

On a happier note, I’ve been doing some painting. If you have a moment to spare, please check it out and let me know what you think. https://stormscanbebeautiful.com/shop-2/

A Small Fear

At some point roughly twelve years ago, things changed. My brain and body had a little meeting. I imagine it went something like this:

Brain: *sips coffee* I have an idea. Handling J’s stress the “normal” way is getting boring. What if we shake things up a bit?

Body: What kind of stress?

Brain: Any! Mental, physical. Shoot, even strong happy emotions! What do ya say?

Body: What do you have in mind?

Brain: We’re going to work together to make her muscles tighten up and move in ways she didn’t know was possible. We’ll call it Psychogenic Dystonia!

Body: I don’t know. What if she doesn’t like that? What if it causes problems for her?

Brain: It’ll be fine. She’ll learn to deal with it. Besides that, we’re in charge.

Body: Okay, I’m in.

*They cheers a cup of coffee*

The mind is a beautiful and powerful thing. Why mine really chose to handle stress the way it does, I do not know. I know that God is in control so I try not to let fears of uncertainty get to me, but there’s something that sits at the back of my mind. What if one day, my brain decides to switch things up again? What if it decides that a better coping mechanism would be to add other personalities, intrusive thoughts, or hallucinations? My heart goes out to all those with borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, and all other mental health conditions. You are strong and amazing.

I’m giving this fear to God and will trust that He will be with me, no matter what kind of shenanigans my brain and body get into.

Be well, dear friends. Hugs to whoever needs one.

With love,

J♡

Please,tell me how you are doing.

Hello, dear friends. I will try to do a post tomorrow on how my appointment with the movement disorder specialist went.

Tonight though, I just wanted to check in with everyone. Covid-19 is affecting so many people in so many ways. Our little family is trying to stay in as much as possible. While the seriousness of this virus is scary, the other thing I worry about is people losing their sense of humanity. You have people who are hoarding essential items or harming others over the essentials. I pray that this virus does not harden hearts.

So, my question to you is this:

Where are you? More importantly, how are you doing (physically, mentally, emotionally)?

On a lighter note, here are some things I found on Facebook that I found amusing in regards to the toilet paper shortage.

I keep joking about sewing tp squares in pretty patterns and super soft material. I DO plan on trying to sew masks this weekend and then donate them to assisted living facilities that are in short supply.

Please take care, friends. Praying for all of you and your loved ones.

With love,

J♡

Heaven Gained an Angel

Hello, dear friends. I know that I need to update about many things, but tonight I just want to repost a poem I wrote almost a year ago. I wrote this poem about my aunt. She was a strong and beautiful soul whom I love very much. This morning, God called her home. While so many will miss her tremendously, I think there’s a bit of peace in knowing that she no longer has to fight the medical issues she had.

Wanting to Hold You

By J♡

I wanted so badly
To hold you tight
Not knowing when
You would see the light
But your body has become
Oh so frail
Your bones are weak
And the muscles, they fail
So thin and fragile, is your skin
I wish I could make you
Healthy again
I see the frustration
In your eyes
It breaks my heart
Every time you cry
I’m dreading the day
I get the call
That says you are now
Watching over us all
So badly I wanted
To hold you tight
Not knowing when
You would see the light
Not wanting to hurt
Your delicate frame
I kissed your forehead
And drove away
Your scent lingered
As I began to pray
God, when it’s time
For you to take her home
Let her be not afraid
Without pain and not alone

Thank you for reading. Hug your loved ones and tell them how much they mean to you. I really hope you all are doing well.

With love,

J♡

Hello 2020

December went by far too fast, as it does every year. I hope that you all had a safe and fun New Year’s Eve. I am thankful for the memories made, the lessons learned, the blessings and the struggles that 2019 brought. I pray that this new year brings you all love and happiness!

Now that the holidays are over and things are slowing down a bit, my goal is to get back to blogging regularly. I’m trying my best to get through a depressive episode, so it may take me some time to get back into it. Thank you for being patient with me and sticking around. Lots of hugs to you all.

With love,

J♡