Was it Wrong to Become a Mother?

I would like to start by saying that, in no way, shape or form am I judging any other parent or anyone planning on having a family. This post is strictly meant to reflect the battle I have with myself. ‘Am I a bad person for choosing to have children?’ I ask myself quite often.

I have been battling depression and anxiety since I was just a kid myself. I know it doesn’t always run in families, but I can’t help but feel like I’ve doomed them to this destiny and I feel guilty as hell. I remember when my son was about two (first child), I was seeing my doctor to get back on my antidepressant. I was choking up as I asked the doctor if he thought my son would eventually have to take these too. He assured me that it was far to early to think about that, and if/when the time came, we would deal with it then. I am relieved to report that so far, at the ages of eleven and seven, they have not been diagnosed with any mental health issues. I have noticed though, that they are both very emotional children and I can’t help but be a little concerned about what their future may hold.

‘How can I teach them to cope, when I am still learning, myself?’ It’s normal for kids to feel a little anxious/nervous when going somewhere new or being around a large group of people right? But, how do I encourage them to go for it and that it’s ok, when I have spent the last couple of hours trying to build up the courage to go? Even large family gatherings where I know everyone, make me uncomfortable. This is nothing personal against my family, it’s just this feeling that I can’t quite explain.

On particularly down days, when I am struggling to cope with my own thoughts and feelings, or find them in the first place, how do I be a good mother? How do I smile and laugh at all their cuteness when I am feeling so completely empty? How do I have a conversation with them when my mind is everywhere else or nowhere at all?

These are just some of my inner battles as a mom that I will have to conquer one moment at a time. One thing I am sure of though, is that I love these kiddos with all my heart and so I will fight everyday, for them.

With love, J♡

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6 thoughts on “Was it Wrong to Become a Mother?

  1. If you asked your kids, they would say they have the best mom ever! You are doing a great job with them! One day, when they are on their own or raising children of their own, they will find themselves appreciating everything you’ve been for them….primarily just being there for them even when you didn’t feel like it. Xoxo

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  2. 🖤🖤🖤 I absolutely, completely and painfully know what you are talking about. I’ve asked myself the same thing a hundred million times. What I try to remember when I feel like this, is that the fact that i have this question is what makes me a GOOD mother. I can see my faults and roadblocks and acknowledge they are present, and then live through it.
    Ignoring that it’s part of me would be the wrong thing to do, in my opinion.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for that reminder! You know the thing that really amazes me? Our kids can see our faults and our struggles, but to them we are perfect. They feel that we are the best parents in the world even when we question ourselves. The other thing I’ve been trying to tell myself is, while of course I don’t ever want my children to face the same struggles I have, should they ever have to, I’ll be able to understand from experience and guide them through it.

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      1. Yes you will. I’m going through that with my 16 year old right now. She has anxiety and tends to see it as something she can “fix” out of herself. I’ve been trying to help her see that anxiety is nothing but another kind of energy, and she can teach herself to harness that energy to use in a way that serves her. I couldn’t teach her that if I hadn’t gone through it myself.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m sorry that both of you have encountered the anxiety monster, but it’s wonderful that she has you to keep her moving through it. I love that, seeing it as ‘another kind of energy’! I had never looked at it that way before…thank you!

        Liked by 1 person

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